New Beginnings

 Hair is worn as a crown by many, defining a certain level of beauty based on length, color and straightness. For centuries, we have adhered to this standard, and cutting our hair has become a symbol of freedom or rebellion even. 

"A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life.” Coco Chanel

I've cut my hair several times during my life, but there are three major times that I remember doing a very drastic cut. The reasoning for the first time is sort of blurry, but I was in college and that should be enough reason. College is that time during our lives where we are learning who we are and exploring many things, so drastic haircuts are normal. 

The second time I remember distinctly because it was almost five years ago. My daughter had just graduated high school and I had a meltdown. I was a teenage mother and had a child my entire adult life. When she went off to college, I didn't know what to do with my life. I didn't take time to prepare for life without her because my world revolved around her. Yes, I did things for myself and I had friends, but I had never lived alone. She was always there. At the time, my hair was bra strap length (when straightened). I cut about 12 inches off until it was up to my ears. It was shocking and took some getting used to. Depression was part of the reason for cutting my hair. The other logical explanation is I was working out heavily and always kept my hair pulled back in a bun, which isn't healthy for hair. After I cut it, I enjoyed the short look. Even more, I enjoyed the low maintenance, so I kept it short.

This time, since it was already short, the only option I had for a drastic cut was to shave it. My reasoning isn't from working out heavily. My daughter is still in college and doing well. After that cut, I started going to poetry events and painting more often. I poured myself into the arts and found my place amongst people I consider family.  While I was busy loving myself, I found the love of my life. We created a life we loved together. He passed away 5 months ago. Grief overwhelmed me. I thought of cutting my hair immediately. I started researching things people do after experiencing this type of loss. I read about traditions in different cultures and about how our hair holds memories. My fear was losing those memories. I looked at pictures and watched videos of us daily, determined not to lose any memories. I dedicated myself to honoring him each day in some form. After more research and counseling, I learned that grieving would be never-ending. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to feel something besides grief. I am learning to live with it, to embrace it when it comes and to enjoy the moments without it.

I've learned that my thoughts create my reality. Living in the past is not healthy for me or anyone else. Those painful moments come a little less often, but I still think of him every day, in everything I do. Now I do my best to look back with gratefulness instead of sadness. The love I experienced is an honor. Am I depressed? Maybe. I just know I needed to feel something that didn't require tears. My hair held the weight of my emotional rollercoaster. Shaving my head is more symbolic of new beginnings, and that I am in control. I don't have any logical explanation or excuse (other than stress causing my hair to thin dramatically). People around me know what I'm going through, even if they don't understand it. They have encouraged me and reassured me that I am beautiful. They have seen my vulnerability, my highest, and my lowest point. They call me courageous although I don't see it that way. I'm just doing whatever I can, whatever is in my power, to get through. 

Changing my appearance reinforces a new me in the mirror. I don't see the same person from the pictures or videos I watch over and over. I see a new version of me. And although I am still grieving, seeing that change in the mirror reminds me that my life is changing, and I can't keep living in the past. I no longer fear forgetting because I have many things documented so that I can remember those moments with him when I feel the need to. There is power in appreciating the gift of the present. I am still here because I still have a life to live, so I am embracing new beginnings.

I expect new and great things for my new life. And just like I didn't see him coming into my life after my daughter left for college, there will be other things/people coming. I do not expect one life to be "better" than the other. If I am given the privilege of finding love with another person, I know how to bask in it. If not, I know I had a beautiful experience and my life will take a different direction. Either way, now is my time to open my arms to the possibilities. My new hair growth will hold new memories and symbolically correlate to my life growth. So here I am, beautifully naked, and welcoming new growth.